I tried..

There are moments in your life when you don't want to convince anyone anything !! Because it does not help. It's just like first day at swimming ..you kick in the water move your hand in different manner but after 5 mins you are more or less just at the same position .. There are people who don't want to understand you ..don't want to see beyond certain things ..certain thoughts ..even if those thoughts aren't  right ..and there are also who those who refuse to understand themselves their inner voice ..keep themselves stuck at same logic ..and but you still try to convince them ..and then oneday you decide to stop doing that ..and the next moment you know you didn't mean to take that decision ..but then you can not go back ..because you know they won't allow it anymore ..then you start convincing yourself .."chod na yaar" ..and but you can not ..you just feel .."at least there was little happiness .now that's also gone" .. somebody said once if you try properly you can achieve anything ..it does not happen yaar ..how much more should one try ..I want to sleep ...I don't care if I have nightmares ..but i just want to sleep ..

Chutiya!

I am writing after long time. I have noticed even though i enjoy writing it's generally my last priority. May be I am too lazy or may be I am too much engaged in different stuffs. I also observed i don't write when I am overall happy and it might be surprising I can remain more or less happy all day without being upset or sad. But there are also times when i am mostly upset with few sudden burst of happiness or sadness. I usually write in those times. Considering overall happiness is way better than overall sadness with patches of euphoria, i guess my well wishers would prefer the period when i am not writing. 

I agreed to something yesterday even though I was sure it was not right ..it was not right for me not for anyone ..but someone thought that's the right thing so I agreed doing it.  my soul was pleading me ..then started abusing me ..telling not to do that mistake again ..but instead of listening to it I agreed because i can not say no to that person and I can not turn down any request that person makes.. So my reply to my soul was ..shut the fuck up! 

I sometime wonder why ? why the fuck I can not just snatch what is mine ! I make people's life easy - people whom I hate like crazy, people who devastated my life, people who has taken advantage of my problems , people who has always made my life difficult ... 

My life is now like that monkey trying to climb up a oily pole ..it climbs 3 steps one by one and then slide down 3 steps in one go.